life in regular motion.

When I read this, I immediately thought of myself in a fit of vengeful rage; reminding the Devil after he just did some messed up stuff to me that I would seek my revenge. Then, after years of plotting, training and defeating bosses, I find myself in an epic one on one battle with him. Probably inside of a warehouse that just caught fire because one of us knocked something over amid the chaos. Chaos that was the result of an awesome shootout that took place between my rag-tag yet efficient squad of highly trained religious Devil assassins, and the minions of the Lord of Darkness. After that brief encounter it sets in that in the end it would just be me and him, and only one of us could away.
Then as it turns out I had the courage piece of the Tri-force all along, so with that and my magical sword, I banish him back to the pits of Hell from whence it came.
So that’s how I beat the Devil.

When I read this, I immediately thought of myself in a fit of vengeful rage; reminding the Devil after he just did some messed up stuff to me that I would seek my revenge. Then, after years of plotting, training and defeating bosses, I find myself in an epic one on one battle with him. Probably inside of a warehouse that just caught fire because one of us knocked something over amid the chaos. Chaos that was the result of an awesome shootout that took place between my rag-tag yet efficient squad of highly trained religious Devil assassins, and the minions of the Lord of Darkness. After that brief encounter it sets in that in the end it would just be me and him, and only one of us could away.

Then as it turns out I had the courage piece of the Tri-force all along, so with that and my magical sword, I banish him back to the pits of Hell from whence it came.

So that’s how I beat the Devil.


How Well Do You Know Your Fictional Female Presidents? →

The above link is an article from BuzzFeed. Why is it on the front page? Why would anyone write an abomination such as this? And most importantly, who did they write it for and why do they care so much about fictional Presidents? The idea that someone might read that article and actual rack their brains for the answer is terrifying to me.

Especially when everyone knows the only fictional President that matters is Thomas Whitmore from ‘Independence Day’.

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shine on you crazy diamond, vol. 1

After some encouragement from my mother and a close friend to begin writing a blog, it took me a while to settle on something. Do I write about sports? Politics? Music? There’s a million blogs out there for those, so I was at a loss. Do I give up and join the rabble or come up with something that is my own?

Well, after some thought and chemical ingestion I realized I do have something that is, more or less, my own. My father. My batshit crazy father.

I would like to, first, clarify that I do love him like any son should love their father. However, throughout my life there have been one or two (thousand) misgivings with our relationship and his relationships with other members of my family that have provided me with the necessary information and cannon fodder to write, not one, but several pieces dedicated to his insane antics. 

At this point I just need to decided where to begin? The methamphetamine themed snowboard trip? The time he verbally assaulted a national park employee in front of my whole family and grandparents? No. I will start with what I believe is the earliest documented case of his insanity that I can personally remember:

I was awakened what felt like several hours before my usual 7AM alarm to my father asking me to step down from my bunk bed, I had to have been no more than 6 or 7. After leaving my room he moved me into the bathroom where I was instructed to pee into a cup, after I had evacuated my bladder I went back to bed and thought nothing of it for the next decade. After time had passed and my parents had separated and divorced, I felt like it might be the right occasion for me to ask my mom, ‘Hey, so what the fuck was up with this?’ And to this day, I don’t know that I’ve ever seen a parent so shocked to hear a question asked.

I came to learn that at that time in his life my dad had been smoking lots of marijuana. In his undoubtedly hazy morning mindset, he set out to pass this drug test that had been glaring him in the face in the weeks leading up. But rather than get clean, or buy a system cleanser, he decided that he would just use the closest resource to him, his 6 year old son.

This is the kind of male role model I grew up with. Just let that one sink in for a minute, before you realize how hysterical it is.


feet.

Before I went to bed tonight (this morning, it’s like 4:40am) I had ran into an issue, there was something stuck to my foot. Some uppity mystery object had found it’s way to me whilst my foot was wedged beneath a pile of clothes. A minor trespass, however, in my exhausted state it was incredibly frustrating. After I had it freed from the underside of my big toe, I looked down in disgust at what it could possibly be, only to find that it was a quarter, a glorious quarter. For the first time in my life, the thing stuck to my foot was not gum, ash, beer or food, but a piece of American currency.